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  • Writer's pictureLauren Kruse

9 Things I said before kids that made me look like a total a-hole after kids

Oh those glorious, ignorant days of our youth. Those days where we were filled with so much confidence in ourselves and our future parenting abilities. We believed with a fierceness that we would "do this" and "NEVER do that"! We envisioned those gorgeous little beings that would fall in line with our rules, speak kindly at all times, eat all organic foods, and look like they just walked off of a Carters magazine cover.

I have distinct memories of observing tiny humans throwing fits and tantrums in public during my pre-kids days, and thinking "My Lord, those parents have NO control! I would NEVER allow my future perfect darling to behave in such a manner!"

Well, almost four years and two kids later...I am just proud of myself if my three year old ate anything other than Eggo waffles all day, my 11 month old is wearing pants, and I haven't ended my day by hiding in my closet pretending to be on a work call just so I can sit and breathe for 5 minutes. So while contemplating this roller coaster of a wild ride from what I envisioned to what actually becomes the striking reality that is having children, I thought I would make a funny list of all the things you say prior to kids that make you look like a total a-hole after kids.

1. My child will eat all organic, all healthy foods.

HA! insert my child will eat an average of 2 boxes of Ego waffles a week along side a few other bites of avocado and sweet potato forcibly shoved or bribed into her little mouth. She does have days where she eats great and I am super proud and my stress level decreases about 40% on said days, but most days she literally could eat Blueberry Ego waffles and peanut butter all. day. long. Like to the point where I have done the math on the number of waffles her tiny body has consumed and literally, my calculator must be broken, because it's disturbing.

2. My sweet baby will always look SO cute in matching outfits

Uhmmmm....never. Like, literally never. Maybe at church on Sundays. Maybe. Here's the thing- you quickly realize how freaking expensive baby clothes are. Like, this sweet legging set and fringe sweater are the same price as the top I have been eyeing at TJ MAXX? Sorry, kid. Ain't happening. If I'm not dropping $29.99 on my adult top I can wear for leisure and in my work place for the next 5 years (or until I am done birthing humans and can re gain my fashion life), you sure aren't getting the same priced outfit that will fit for 2 months, MAYBE, and will probably experience a blow out or mud stain upon the first 5 minutes of you wearing it. Soooo, we mostly consignment shop, wear hand-me-downs, and practice the philosophy of letting our kids be kids. This means wearing a ripped up Elsa dress with cowboy boots most days for my daughter. More power to those mamas who can get their girls to wear massive bows and match multiple children outfits. Like, soldier on mama! I LOVE looking at your pictures, they're amazing. It's just not happening here. And when I look back on how I thought that was a reality, I laugh!

3. I will not talk about poop like it is an every day topic.

Poop will run my life. It will control my thoughts. It will drive my worries and become something I track like a scientist running a controlled experiment. "how much did he poop?" "When was the last time she pooped in the potty?" "Can she wipe her own butt yet? Will she get skidmarks?" "It was WHAT color? Okay, well, what did it feel like?" "Is that poop on my finger? Do I have a baby wipe? Okay, I'm good. Probably wasn't poop.." Future mamas, embrace this knowledge. Accept it. Know that this topic is here for the long haul.

4. I will not repeat myself 100 times a day. My children will know to listen to me.

6:00 am: Palmer, get dressed sweet girl! Mommy laid out such a pretty outfit! 

6:03 am: Palmer, put down the Barbie doll and get dressed. Let's practice your big girl skills!

6:11 am: Palmer, I said you can't wear your Elsa dress to school. GET DRESSED.

6:15 am: Put. the. clothes. ON.

6:20 am: Whatever, wear stripes and polka dots. Let's go. .

7:00 am: Palmer, please eat your breakfast and drink your milk, baby. It makes your bones grow big and strong and is SO good for you!

7:05 am: Palmer, one big yummy bite of healthy oatmeal with blueberries and a big girl sip of milk!

7:10 am: P, come on. Take a bite.

7:12 am: Eat. Eat or I am taking Elsa doll

7:15 am: One bite..just ONE BITE PLEASEEEEEE

7:20 am: Fine, we are running late, grab the Oreo and let's go!

Now, play these scenarios on repeat with about 87 other instances and you have a peek into a day in the life of yours truly.

5. Oh, we will SO still go out and do everything we did before. Kids will NOT dictate our schedule.

**Bedtime 7:00 pm

**Out with friends at 6:30 pm- "Babe, hurry. Pack the diaper bag, get my keys, start the car. You KNOW what happens after 7. THEY GET TAKEN OVER. We can never make plans this "late" again.

6. Screen time? No, not until they're at least 5, and then only in controlled increments.

Reality enters. I need a shower. I need to go number two. I need to do dishes. I need to fold the laundry.

*enter in 15 minutes of screen time

Baby number two comes along.

I need to nurse. I need to rock him to sleep. I need to survive

*enter in 30 minutes of screen time.

Look, I am NOT advocating using TV as a babysitter. And I have certainly read all the articles out there, but y'all. Come on. There's also this thing called sanity and completing necessary tasks around your house that usually isn't gonna happen if you don't have little chunks of time here and there throughout the day. So, everything in balance, mama. Your child is not going to be damaged because you didn't stimulate them for 30 minutes ( or dare I say, even an hour!?) because they watched Peppa Pig instead of putting together a puzzle. Heck, they may of even picked up a cute British accent off of the whole thing ;)

7. I will be SO cute all the time when I am preggo. OMG, and I will SO not loose my style simply because I had a baby!

**pregnant self- Husband's massive t-shirt, no bra, pants don't feel comfortable. Is this appropriate to go to the store in?

**post baby- scrunchie in hair, work out leggings (didn't get to working out today), nursing tank with spit up. Is this appropriate to go to the store in?

#preggo #preggostyle

8. I will bounce back immediately.

My tummy may always have a little extra squish to it. My belly button I think is permanently stretched a bit. My boobs feel deflated.

But guess what? I grew two healthy, beautiful children in my own body. I nourished them and ate foods to help them grow. I pushed them out of my body, on my own. I nursed them and kept them solely alive on milk from my body. My body transformed, but so did my heart, my life, everything.

9. Geeze, I will love this baby of mine!

More like, I will melt. I will truly transform, grow, learn to love in a capacity and way I never thought possible for myself. "Love" is a word I thought I knew before I had children. In truth, I had no idea. How could I possibly know what it would be like to look at something so tiny and feel a physical ache in my chest from pure love? How could I have ever guessed the intensity of joy and pride that would pulse through my body watching them learn, grow, develop or obtain a new skill? Who could of ever prepared me to know the intense belly laughter that would fill me up watching my kids interact/play/say things that are just so funny! There's no way I would of known. There's nothing that could of prepared me for this fierce love I have for my babies. And boy, am I glad I was wrong about that.



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