March 23, 2009. The day that changed my life forever.
Wow. Ten years. A decade. This almost feels unbelievable for me. See, I was someone who at one point could not go a single day without hunting for, seeking out, and getting high. I was someone who woke up and immediately thought of drugs and passed out in a stupor induced by those same drugs. I was consumed by my addiction. It controlled my thoughts, my actions, every part of me. It took me over in a way that only another addict can understand or relate to. It is something any suffering addict or recovering addict out there can understand. To anyone else, ten years sober may not seem like that big of a deal. Or maybe it does, but the depth of it isn’t absorbed.
It is something I never believed possible, because I never believed I could get and stay clean. I couldn’t go a span of hours without needing to get high, let alone 24 hours. The sickness kicked in quickly and the desperation to be numbed, to escape, to feel relief from my pain was immediate. The need for it was more than primal. It consumed me more than my need for food, for water, for shelter and safety; it consumed me more than my desire to feel like a human or to hold on to any semblance of myself. The option to use or not to use had long since left me. It was a necessity. As much as breathing air is to stay alive, I needed my drug of choice to “live”. I had reached a point in my addiction where I had given in and given up. So the fact that by true divine intervention- by nothing other than the pure grace of God, I was saved from the life I was in and given an opportunity to get clean, and that opportunity stuck- that is a miracle that I hope will never, ever be lost on me.
I tend to get reflective every year as my sobriety date approaches. I mean, how can I not? And every year I remain in equal awe as to what that date represents to my life. But man, there is something about a decade. It seems like such a long time to be doing this thing called recovery. I cannot help but be a little more reflective and a little more amazed at the path the Lord has led me on through this process and for the people He has given me along the way.
Ten years ago, I had nothing. Quite literally, nothing. I was a very young woman who had been fired from her job, dropped out of school, lost her apartment, lost her car, snorted up all of her money, been cut off from her family and friends, and was in an abusive relationship with a guy that had groomed her to learn how to lie and manipulate in order to feed this nasty addiction. I was exposed to a side of life and an evil in people that changed me. I was full of fear and desperation. I was alone with nowhere to live in a city that can be very scary. I never knew each night where I was going to lay my head down. I just knew that I would be high when I did it, and that the insanity, fear and desperation would start anew like clock work the next day. I was stripped of everything. Emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and materialistically bankrupt. Let’s not forget morally, because Lord knows that those didn’t belong anywhere near my disease.
Now, ten years later, I am a recovering woman who strives daily to live life with intention and honesty. I am a wife to the gentlest man and most kind person I know. We have a healthy, strong marriage. I have two incredibly smart, beautiful children. I have a home that is filled with love. I have careers that allow me to support my family, meet new people, and assist others in making the biggest purchase and investment in their life. I have a relationship with God that fills me up to the brim. I have a church community. And I have my recovery community. A decade worth of relationships built in the rooms of both AA and NA. And it is in the rooms I have learned so much and seen so much love and wisdom freely given. Here are 10 things I have learned in the last 10 years of recovery.
1. Everyone needs someone.
Everyone. I don’t care who you are. Addict or not. Loner, introvert, shy, awkward, on the spectrum, depressed, WHATEVER. Every person in this world needs people. We are not created to go at this thing called life by ourselves. We need people in our corner to pick us up, believe in us, support us, and push us. The disease of addiction knows this. It uses this need people have for others and isolates them through their drug use and their lies and behavior. This need for companionship is across the board true for all people.
I am who I am today because of the people that have been there for me over the years. My parents unwavering love, my true friends in all their acceptance of me, my sponsor in her ability to be selfless, and the amazing friendships I have been able to maintain from childhood and gained in recovery. Every person in every walk of life needs other people who can understand them and who they can confide in and rely on.
2. Finding my faith
It has been essential for to me have my faith in God. I can not imagine facing a day in this life without the belief of His promises, the calm of His presence, or the comfort of prayer. My faith grounds me and gives me wings all at the same time. I yearn to continue to grow closer to God. I want to be the person He created me to be. I know my path of addiction and now my life in recovery are a part of my story. God has written a story in all of us. It is our job to find our voice to share it for the benefit of others. I believe it is imperative for people to have a strong faith in something. If not a faith in something, then what? Where is the hope and the belief for a better tomorrow?
3. Therapy is NOT a weakness
Therapy is the best thing ever. I swear I look forward to my therapy sessions like I look forward to a kid free shopping trip to Target. Sound weird to you? You haven’t had a good therapist. It can be an awful lot like dating. You’ve got to buckle up and be willing to try and go through some to find “the one”, but boy when you do, it’s something special! I am a huge believer in individual sessions and marital sessions. It provides me with so much growth and insight. It allows me to continue to improve myself both personally and within my marriage. It helps make me aware of my shortcomings or parts of me I maybe don’t want to look at.
And guess what else? You’re not ever like “cured”. You don’t graduate from therapy. I think so many people have some misconception that people who see therapists are struggling and unstable. People who see therapists are also introspective and have their sh** together. Which is why they understand that as humans we evolve and so there are always pieces of us changing and available to work on.
4. Practicing an attitude of gratitude
All day. Every day. Is this realistic? No. Is it attainable? Unless you’re the Dalhi Lama, probably not. Is it essential to my life and my recovery? Absolutely. I can not tell you how many times I call my sponsor to complain about something in life. It may be stupid and small, or it may be an actual real-life problem. Either way, she always brings me back to gratitude. No matter how big or small my problem is, she reminds me to be grateful.
Perception is reality. So, when I am allowing myself to be in a mindset that is full of giving thanks or turning my eyes to my blessings instead of my grievances, I am immediately shifted in my stance. Suddenly, the things bothering me aren’t as big. If they were stupid, daily annoyances then I often feel silly and am reminded just how good life is. In fact, this is one of my sponsor’s favorite sayings: “Isn’t life so good?”. And it is. Is it hard sometimes? Yes. But that does not ever take away from the goodness of life. So, even in the hard times I practice giving thanks.
I have faced some extremely difficult times in my ten years clean. Like, the fall on your knees times where it can be so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have never, ever faced a time where I couldn’t list something I was really and truly grateful for. Try it! Make a gratitude list. Then read it every day. Keep a journal or a planner and EVERY day list one thing you’re grateful for. Watch as your perception transforms and with it your outlook on life.
5. Service work
Step outside of myself. As much as we as humans are wired to be connected to other people, we are also wired to be extremely in our own heads and concerned with our own problems. It is not until we step outside of ourselves and give back to another person, that we really experience love and compassion.
This is such a wonderful practice of again putting into perspective that it isn’t always about me. When I focus more on others and less on myself, I tend to lose the space in my head that was consumed by me. Instead, I fill it with giving back to someone else. Everyone can do this. Calling a friend just to truly stop and ask how they are doing without talking about yourself, volunteering anywhere, providing small acts of service throughout your day to coworkers. Humbling yourself to be the person who empties the break room trash can or make the coffee at your meeting when no one else seems to notice or do it; not for any other reason than to humbly give of ourselves.
6. Everyone has a story
I sometimes struggle with my past as it pertains to other people’s perception of me. I have never been one to hide it, per se. However, in certain settings or circles I know I would be more worried of what other people would think about my story. Remembering that everyone has a story, everyone has been through struggles is such a game changer for me. We all have battled big obstacles in life, not just me.
The unfortunate truth is most people have a connection to the disease of addiction. I recently joined a Bible study for women through my church. I was a kind of nervous to attend because I got this ridiculous notion in my head that all these women would be so much more “spiritual” or “holy” than me. Like, what does that even mean!? But I felt it and it was real. I thought certainly there would be some judgement if they knew the truth: that ten years prior I was a homeless heroin addict facing multiple felony charges and running from the police. Guess what? We started the group praying for one of the women’s husbands who was currently battling alcoholism and trying to get sober. Another woman shared she had been in recovery for fifteen years and yet ANOTHER woman’s husband was a recovering drug addict. It was so important for me to be reminded that everyone has something. Everyone has a past and a story and it is only my ego and my fears that allow me to think mine is so unique or “horrible” that it would separate me from connecting with others.
7. Take life a moment at a time
“One day at a time”, more like “one moment at a time” depending on the situation. I am a planner and a little bit of a control freak, so it can be difficult for me when things seem to be piling up or I have multiple stressful scenarios happening at once. The ability to step back and just look at today, or even at the exact moment I am in, 100% frees me from my stress.
Does that mean I practice this 100% of the time? Heck no! I am lucky if I can say I practice this most of the time. But it is so beneficial when I do. I find that when I look at the moment, the day, or the situation I am in, then I realize that I am okay. So many of my stressors come from things that have yet to happen and may indeed not ever even happen. For example: I have gone through some seasons where finances were stressing me out big time. There were things happening in my life affecting income, etc and I became gripped by fear as to how bills would be paid, if my savings would be drained, and how more money would come in. At one point, I called my sponsor and she asked me “Lauren, can you pay your bills now?” The answer was yes. “Lauren, is your savings drained yet?” The answer was no. “That’s great, Lauren! You are okay. We don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but for today you are completely fine”. And it was true. In that day, and in each subsequent day I was okay. I was completely fine. My finances were intact. My bills were being paid. It was the FEAR of what my circumstances would result in. It was the FEAR of things that had not even shown up yet. Guess what? A couple months later I had two of the biggest months in my real estate career which allowed my family to be in a great position financially until a few other things could line up and we survived. I can fill in the blank the above scenario with countless other situations, and the message always is this: stay in the moment. If in this moment you are okay, let the rest go.
8. Finding a healthy habit or release
It is so important for me to have something that is just for release, enjoyment, or something that I am passionate about. Often in recovery you see recovering addicts that suddenly get super into getting tattoos (guilty), or maybe become uber healthy and go to the gym every day. My husband (also in recovery) must make the gym for at least one hour every day. It is good for him; it allows his body to create natural endorphins, work towards something and see results, and clear his head. Running is a good release for me, as is reading (or audiobooks), writing, or working on my blog. This necessity is not just for recovering people; although arguably we may be the ones that take this habit to an entire other level. The practice of replacing any negative behavior or outlet with one that is positive and promotes growth or creativity or release is essential for human development. In today’s world we spend so much time “plugged in”. People are often expected to be “on” at all times. We need this time to decompress and find enjoyment in something just for us.
9. Taking quiet time for myself every day.
This one is SO hard for me. I find it to be the most difficult thing for me to practice. But it is SO important. There is absolutely no excuse as to why I can not find 15 minutes in every 24 hour day to sit alone with my thoughts, in meditation, reflecting on gratitude, or in prayer. Yet it is the one thing I procrastinate with and put on the back burner.
The reason it is so important, is because it allows me to center myself and bring intention into my day. I do this often through a daily reading, a devotional, or a guided mediation. I still struggle with just sitting in complete stillness, and so guided meditations really appeal to me. Mediation is known to enhance the flow of constructive thoughts and positive emotions. It is also proven to help manage anxiety, stress and depression. Since mediation and particularly mindfulness, focus on moment-by-moment experiences, people who practice this are training their mind to remain calm, even in stressful situations. The best thing I can do is start my day at least 30 minutes before anyone in my house in order to BEGIN my day with this instead of trying to fit it in when and where I can. It allows my day to begin in a strong head space, quieted and cleared for whatever is to come.
10. Take my personal Inventory. Daily.
“Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it”. My tenth thing I have learned heading into my tenth year of recovery is indeed Step 10 of the 12 Steps. This is an incredibly important practice for me. And it only works for me when I work it as two steps. The ability to be intentional about practicing awareness of my actions is crucial in allowing me to continue my spiritual journey in recovery. This practice, and indeed this step, is to demonstrate to myself that I have the ability to control my actions. It is easy to fall back on old habits or blame old tendencies as the reasoning behind exhibiting flawed behavior. However, the entire practice of this step is for me to constructively reflect on my actions every day, have the insight and awareness to see my flaws, and then put into motion the second part of Step 10; “and when we were promptly admitted it”. This is HUGE for me. This is the part where I am not only taking my desire to be honest with myself and my shortcomings on a daily basis, but I am then letting that truth sink in and take necessary action to change it. This is not about trying to be perfect or thinking anything close to that is even attainable. This is about making a daily commitment to myself to improve my behaviors towards others so that I don’t owe any apologies. It is about me working hard to be an honest, good person. It is about me continuing to build upon the amazing foundation that only something as beautiful as sobriety could offer me. It is about becoming the person in this world I was meant to be and offering the best version of that self to others.
There are so many other gems and things I have gained along this ten year journey of recovery. I am actually wrapping this up a couple hours before midnight of my ten year anniversary, and I am in tears thinking about that scared, sick, shell of a girl that was me a decade ago. I remember being told in early recovery to write down my biggest hopes and dreams on a piece of paper. I remember being told that if I stayed clean, those hopes and dreams would be so minimal compared to what would actually be provided to me by living a life in recovery. I did't believe that at the time. I barely felt worthy to be writing down the things I was. Ten years later, I can tell you I would have been selling myself so short back then. It wasn't even in my sight line to hope for the things I have today. Every single thing I have and every single piece of who I am is because of living a life in recovery.
There are so many people struggling with addiction and countless other disorders out there. If you or someone you know is suffering, please let them know there is hope. Please let them know there are people who have been where they are and have found a new way to live. They do not have to start this journey alone.
--"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved."
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